Second Campaigner Challenge

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Today the 2nd challenge was set for the Writers Platform Builders (see tab above).

I chose to do:

Prompt 1 – Two people are sitting together under the remains of a concrete bridge. Their backs are against a rusted bridge support. One persons leg is cut, the other person has wet hair.

Option 2 – Write a short story/flash fiction piece of less than 200 words based on the chosen prompts.

Here’s my offering which came in at 197 words 🙂

As the sky rains fire they shelter from the falling debris at the remains of the old bridge.The smell of diesel and burning plastic stings their eyes and chokes their lungs.
“We’ve got to get out of here.” Tom pushes his wet fringe away from his eyes.
“I know Tom, but I don’t think I can….my leg.”
Tom looks down at the gaping wound in Zoe’s leg, the blood pooling on the concrete.
“If we stay here, we’ll die Zo.” He pleads.
In the distance they hear a piercing scream. Zoe’s heart beats in her throat as she notices the sound of dull thuds.
“Tom, what’s that noise?” She whispers, but before he can respond a body lands a few feet away, it’s limbs twisted and broken.
Zoe screams as Tom wraps his arms around her and shields her face from the horror.
He then grips her shoulders roughly.
“Listen to me Zoe, I don’t know what the fuck is happening here, but I think we need to leave…now! If something hits this bridge…”
Tom is unable to finish his sentence as a large object hits the bridge and Zoe is plunged into darkness.

please let me know what you think, all critiques welcome 🙂

And, if you like it, please vote for me on the link above. I’m number 26

47 thoughts on “Second Campaigner Challenge”

  5. I thought it was a good story. Solid piece. I think the only thing that needs a little change is the repetitive words in the last two sentences. Maybe just change “hits the bridge” in the last sentence to make it different from the sentence before it (or vice versa). But still, it’s a great story! I’m entry #5.

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  9. Well I think you did a good job building up the story with a good pace considering the limits we are given with a 200 word flash fiction piece. I would like to read more 🙂

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  14. Intense! The only thing I’d change is some repetitive wording and watch the POV at the end.
    ‘I think we need to leave…now! If something hits this bridge…”
    Tom is unable to finish his sentence as a large object hits the bridge and Zoe is plunged into darkness.’

    I think we need to leave–now! If something hits this bridge–”
    Wham! The bridge shudders, and, together, they’re plunged into darkness.

    Okay – that was lame, but you get the idea. = P
    Good job. ; )
    Melissa Maygrove #14

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  18. Great sense of urgency in this scene and the pacing is good with the short paragraphs. In terms of critique, maybe first person would work better (from Zoe’s POV) to make it even more immediate. Great job!

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  21. I’m thinking . . . Godzilla? lol Or some equally large, powerful creature who can toss people around like rag dolls. (Or maybe I just can’t get my mind out of Japan!) Excellent suspense, great description. 🙂

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