The Blooming Blurb

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*sighs deeply*

Ok, so I’ve been working on my blurb for “But Not Forgotten” recently, and the current version is below…..See what you think…..

Married to successful accountant Daniel, Laura has it all. A nice house, nice car and money in the bank. But when Daniel kills himself, the events of 1984 re-emerge, threatening everything Laura holds dear, including her daughter Ruby.

Ruby and Laura need to learn how to rebuild their lives. But Daniel’s brother Ronnie tries everything in his power to reek revenge on his brother, and those he loved. Laura finds herself torn between the two brothers. Will she be able to throw everything away, to rekindle her love for Ronnie? And if she can, how will she cope with Daniel still controlling her from beyond the grave?

The Write Inspiration posted an excellent article recently, giving advice for blurb writing. Do have a read if you’re struggling like I am lol

So is it too short? Rubbish? Ok? Your thoughts would be much appreciated 🙂

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My orchid is blooming, my blurb, unfortunately, isn’t lol 😉

22 thoughts on “The Blooming Blurb”

  1. I am not very good at these things either but the first thing that niggled at me was the first paragraph. Did Daniel kill himself in 1984? What events took place in 1984 and how does that tie into Daniel’s death? Is Ruby an important piece to the puzzle? If not, you may want to remove her name. If she is a big piece, I would connect the dots a bit more to 1984 and the daughter.

    There are too many words in the second paragraph. It needs to be tightened. I’m also confused as to why Ronnie wants to ‘reek’ revenge on his brother, Daniel. I might try to find a different word. Is Laura in love with Ronnie? Has she always been in love with Ronnie? Is Ruby Ronnie’s daughter? There needs to be more of a tie in to the events. Give the conflict, what stands in the way, and what needs to happen to resolve it.

    Agents and editors (through contests) have stressed to me over and over again to not use questions in blurbs and queries. With that in mind, I’d try to re-word those to eliminate the questions.

    You know, a great person to help with blurbs is Heather Webb. I found her through Pitch University. You can also find her on Twitter @msheatherwebb and she is a marvelous source and will be more than willing to help you.

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    • Yeah, I see your point hon. Daniel killed himself in 2010 (or now) but its the events of 1984, what he and Ronnie did back then that are causing all the problems now. Ronnie went to prison for murder (armed robbery) and on his release convinces Laura that he was framed by Daniel (and wants revenge) and that he was innocent. It all seems pretty believable as such, and this is why I’ve been struggling with the ending. I need to decide which of the brothers is actually the villain lol

      Ruby is VERY important, as you soon discover that she’s actually Ronnies daughter, but she thinks Daniel is her father lol

      Laura has always been in love with Ronnie….they were going to get married and she was pregnant, then he got sent to jail and Daniel convinced her that he could offer her and the baby a good life, so she married him.

      Sooooo, as you can see, it’s all rather confusing…hey, I’m confusing myself!!!!! Lol. I guess I just don’t want to give too much away lol.

      Thank you so much honey for your comments and suggestions, really helpful 🙂

      Xx

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    • Am I being too cryptic do you think? Daniel and Ronnie were involved in some very dodgy criminal activity and Ronnie ends up in prison. One of the big questions hanging over the novel is which brother actually committed murder. Laura thinks it was Ronnie, but when he’s released he tells her that it was Daniel. You do find out at the end which one of them it was, but only a hint of, so it kinda of leaves you thinking….hmmmm, which one was really the villain?

      Xx

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  4. I find it confusing. At first Daniel sounds like he’s missed. Then he sounds like the bad guy and Ronnie, who sounds evil turns out to be the true love of the wife? I think you either need to add more detail or go the opposite and not hint so much. hard to say since I haven’t read it. Keep at it! You’ll get there eventually.

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    • Lol, yeah, I see what you’re saying….gawd this is hard! Lol.

      Ronnie goes to prison for murder, Laura marries Daniel but Ronnie was the brother she loved, and still does to a certain extent. The prologue of the book starts with Daniel killing himself.

      I guess I’m so paranoid about not giving too much away, and I’ve ended up confusing everyone lol

      Xx

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    • Yeah, I see what you’re saying hon, it definitely needs a lot more work that’s for sure lol. I’m just not sure how much of the story I should give away lol.

      Awwwwww, thank you so much honey! *squeals* 🙂

      Xx

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  6. I thought the first paragraph was strong, as it set out who the protagonist is and what her problem will be.
    The second paragraph got confusing to me, maybe because Ronnie seems to come out of nowhere, and doesn’t fit with the problem set out in the first paragraph. Maybe putting the conflict with Ronnie vs. Daniel up front in the first paragraph (because it is the main conflict?) would help.
    I really appreciate you putting this up here for us to analyze. They say it helps to try and figure out what is wrong with another writer’s blurb when putting together one’s own. I sure hope that’s true, because mine needs a lot of help!
    And thanks for the link. 🙂

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    • Yeah, I think you’re right. Ronnie is released from prison and turns up at Daniels funeral. The conflict between the 2 brothers is Ronnies bitterness at being in jail, for a crime, he convinces Laura, that Daniel committed but he couldn’t prove his innocence.

      This is the first draft of my blurb and I think the thing I’m struggling with most is that I don’t want to give too much away lol

      You’re welcome 🙂 It’s good for me too, to have help in pointing out the weak bits and where I’m going wrong lol

      Xx

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  7. Honestly, it is a little confusing. You have most of the details apart from “the event” but they just need to be a little clearer. It introduces several characters quickly. But keep going, we know how much you work at it, so you will get there soon. Perhaps leave it for a few days then come back to it.

    P.S. I hate blurb writing, it is a bit like writing a CV / Resume, and that takes me forever / several drafts, as well!

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    • Thanks hon, yeah, I kinda knew that *pouts and pulls more hair out* lol

      I’m not too sure what the ‘event’ was…..the fact that I’ve come up with this complicated plot about 2 brothers who are into crime, Daniel framing Ronnie in 1984, Ronnie being released from prison and turning up at Daniels funeral convincing Laura that he was innocent…..*stops for breath* and on top of all that, regarding the ending, who really is the villain? Was it really Ronnie, or was it Daniel?

      I think you’re right, I’m not gunna look at it for a while lol. This is the first draft, so I definitely think there will be plenty more lol

      Xx

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      • Well you don’t have to know it fully, just change how you refer to it. When you mention it above it reads like something we should already know about rather than something to discover.

        I read somewhere that one mental exercise to try is to give your project a disguising work in progress name e.g.”The trial of Mary Sue” then do the blurb again. The title leads the reader one way, so your blurb is an independent thing that will set them on the right path. You can more think, what do I need to tell them right now.

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  9. i think it may be better if you allude to events from the past rather than the specific date my automatic response was to try to think about what happened in the world in 1984 LiveAid? I started high School? You get my meaning it then distracted from the rest of the blurb. and possibly in talking about ‘rekindling’ her love for the brother it might be worth mentioning they have a history before her marriage otherwise it makes it sound like she has been messing with both brothers and will make it harder for readers to like her

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