Today the 2nd challenge was set for the Writers Platform Builders (see tab above).
I chose to do:
Prompt 1 – Two people are sitting together under the remains of a concrete bridge. Their backs are against a rusted bridge support. One persons leg is cut, the other person has wet hair.
Option 2 – Write a short story/flash fiction piece of less than 200 words based on the chosen prompts.
Here’s my offering which came in at 197 words 🙂
As the sky rains fire they shelter from the falling debris at the remains of the old bridge.The smell of diesel and burning plastic stings their eyes and chokes their lungs.
“We’ve got to get out of here.” Tom pushes his wet fringe away from his eyes.
“I know Tom, but I don’t think I can….my leg.”
Tom looks down at the gaping wound in Zoe’s leg, the blood pooling on the concrete.
“If we stay here, we’ll die Zo.” He pleads.
In the distance they hear a piercing scream. Zoe’s heart beats in her throat as she notices the sound of dull thuds.
“Tom, what’s that noise?” She whispers, but before he can respond a body lands a few feet away, it’s limbs twisted and broken.
Zoe screams as Tom wraps his arms around her and shields her face from the horror.
He then grips her shoulders roughly.
“Listen to me Zoe, I don’t know what the fuck is happening here, but I think we need to leave…now! If something hits this bridge…”
Tom is unable to finish his sentence as a large object hits the bridge and Zoe is plunged into darkness.
please let me know what you think, all critiques welcome 🙂
And, if you like it, please vote for me on the link above. I’m number 26
Great piece! Love the pace and action in it. I wonder if they’ll survive.
Cherie Reich – Author
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Thanks hon 🙂
When I was writing it I just had a nasty feeling that Tom doesn’t 😉
xx
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A very well written piece Vikki.
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Cheers hon 🙂
xx
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It makes me want to know what happens next…
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Thanks hon 🙂
xx
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Gripping. You had me from the first sentence to the last! Nicely done.
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Thank you 🙂
xx
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I thought it was a good story. Solid piece. I think the only thing that needs a little change is the repetitive words in the last two sentences. Maybe just change “hits the bridge” in the last sentence to make it different from the sentence before it (or vice versa). But still, it’s a great story! I’m entry #5.
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Thanks hon 🙂
Ahhhh, yes, a valid point….that’ll teach me for not being very thorough with my editing 😉
Thanks for stopping by.
Xx
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I do feel like the ending was rushed, but flash fiction is difficult that way. You did a great job! Everything was so well written!
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Thank you 🙂
Yes, it’s good practice trying to get a whole story into 200 words, I prefer 3-500 🙂
Thanks for stopping by.
xx
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so suspenseful!
what happened!?
good job!
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thanks hon 🙂
I’m thinking poor old Tom doesn’t make it lol
Thanks for stopping by
Xx
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Good one! nicely paced and visual
#48
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Thanks hon 🙂
And thanks for topping by.
xx
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Well I think you did a good job building up the story with a good pace considering the limits we are given with a 200 word flash fiction piece. I would like to read more 🙂
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Awwww, thanks hon 🙂
And thanks for stopping by
xx
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Holy crap. Way to bring action and suspense into so few words. Poor people. Love it!
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Lol, thanks 🙂
Thanks for stopping by!
xx
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Good piece. It definitely makes me want to read more to find out what happens. 🙂
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Awwww, thanks Jennifer 🙂
xx
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Well, that’s a cliffhanger if I ever saw one. If you didn’t have to worry about word counts, I love to see more descriptions. But your actions really good.
#38
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Thanks Gwen 🙂
Whenever I do any f,ash pieces this short I always struggle, I prefer 500 words, you can get so much more in 😉
Xx
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Interesting! What a tense scene!
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Thank you hon 🙂
xx
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Intense! The only thing I’d change is some repetitive wording and watch the POV at the end.
‘I think we need to leave…now! If something hits this bridge…”
Tom is unable to finish his sentence as a large object hits the bridge and Zoe is plunged into darkness.’
I think we need to leave–now! If something hits this bridge–”
Wham! The bridge shudders, and, together, they’re plunged into darkness.
Okay – that was lame, but you get the idea. = P
Good job. ; )
Melissa Maygrove #14
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Thanks Melissa 🙂
Lol, thanks hon, yeah, I see what you’re saying….. I think I got a bit carried away as in my mind, Tom is dead lol
Thanks for stopping by.
xx
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Nice job. Loved the build up and dialogue.
Michelle
http://www.michelle-pickett.com/blog
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Thanks hon, and thanks for stopping by 🙂
I LOVE writing dialogue, and I seem to be ok at it….it’s tense I struggle with lol
Xx
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Wow. What a story. Wish I could read more…
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Awwww, thanks hon 🙂
xx
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I would really like to know if they survive! Well done!
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Thanks for your comment hon 🙂
*whispers* In my mind, Tom doesn’t 😉
xx
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Great sense of urgency in this scene and the pacing is good with the short paragraphs. In terms of critique, maybe first person would work better (from Zoe’s POV) to make it even more immediate. Great job!
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Thanks for the advice hon, yeah, I think I’ll try that 🙂
And thanks or stopping by.
xx
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Pingback: Second Challenge – Platform Building Campaign…. « shanjeniah
Wow! Amazing descriptions! I love how you appealed to all the senses! And I did not expect a falling dead body! What a curveball!
Great job! 🙂
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Thanks hon 🙂
In my mind I was thinking if a plane crash.
xx
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I’m thinking . . . Godzilla? lol Or some equally large, powerful creature who can toss people around like rag dolls. (Or maybe I just can’t get my mind out of Japan!) Excellent suspense, great description. 🙂
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Lol, yeah, that could work 😉
Thanks hon
xx
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Very gripping! Held me to the end. Great job!
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Thank you 🙂
And thanks for stopping by!
xx
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Wow – I’m not usually a big fan of the present tense, but it worked really well in this flash – thrilling stuff! Thanks for sharing it.
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thanks hon 🙂
Xx
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